


Priorities

by Mightybignein (Blueberryshortcake)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb is a liar but honest with himself, Episode 40 spoilers, Gen, Introspection, Someone needs to look after Caduceus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 15:50:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16498490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberryshortcake/pseuds/Mightybignein
Summary: Caleb has a list of the people who matter to him. A good man almost dies because at the end of the day it's his own selfish heart that matters the most.





	Priorities

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers ahead for episode 40.

Nott had been fast. She was always fast, and always thinking of others. She was always… she was good. So good.

 

One: Himself. He was selfish.

Two: Nott. Of course Nott of course.

Three: Jester who he had almost failed once. Who he saw too much of the fragile parts of himself in.

Four: Beauregard. Who knew his secrets and held them safe, even though she shouldn’t. Who questioned him but didn’t chase him away.

Five: Fjord who he was starting to second guess, but who was their leader, who was the one that was going to keep them together.

 

Keep everyone together.

 

Yasha was strong she would be fine. She was an angel. She was so much more--

 

He had forgotten Caduceus.

 

He wanted so badly to blame the fruit and the adrenaline. That he wasn’t thinking logically otherwise surely he would have switched Beauregard who was very strong, for Caduceus who would have…

 

Caleb wasn’t a good man. He never pretended that he was a good man, that he wasn’t a selfish self serving man. That when it came down to it those were who he actively picked. Those were who he cared for. Those were who he decided on. 

 

One frustrated tear slipped down his cheek.

 

For his failure. Caring for these people was such a mistake. Nothing good came from him. The people he loved died, or were false, or were twisted, and these people, these good people he would taint as well.

 

He had let Nott into his heart first, and she… he had thought a person like her… how could he touch a life like hers and make it worse? Nott might be another reason he was kicked in the street, but it was only what he deserved and maybe he might bring her some solace, maybe he could do one good thing.

 

But really he was greedy.

 

He wanted her protection.

 

He wanted to not be alone anymore.

 

He thought maybe they could make it better for each other.

 

And they had.

 

And now he had a list of people that mattered to him. That he put in front of others.

 

Self-centred idiot. Beauregard could have used her fancy monk abilities. Avantika and the undead man could be dashed on the rocks for all he cared, but Caduceus, he should have looked after Caduceus. Caleb was the one that begged him to come in the first place. Begged him to come to save the others. Jester, Fjord, Yasha.

 

He had helped him then. He deserved something better than what Caleb offered.

 

But the thought of even the smallest chance of losing Beauregard in favour of someone else…

 

Maybe he was a better man than he was before, but he was still selfish, and it was all for him. He picked the ones he wanted...the ones he needed.

 

He shifted to one side his heart beating a little too fast, maybe coming down from the high of the fruit still. Would he be their ruin? Or would they be his?

 

He should have left. He should have run so long ago. Maybe Mollymauk would still be alive, and the others would be happy and safe together and he could be selfish all on his own.

 

He got up knowing the last bit of sleep had left him. He was so tired, still exhausted from the run. He paused hearing quiet footsteps down the hall. He hide himself in shadows. The figure was doing their best to walk carefully, so didn’t notice him.

 

Fjord.

 

It was the early hours of the morning now. He had stayed a long time with Avantika.

 

Caleb didn’t know what that meant. He had told Fjord to do what he needed to do, but …

 

Maybe he wasn’t the only one making bad decisions.

 

He went out onto the deck. No one seemed to bother him. The crew continued their work only sparing passing and curious glances. They were in the middle of the ocean. There was nowhere he could run, and Avantika had publicly announced she was pleased with them. Maybe that was a bit of leeway. Maybe he was officially apart of this pirate crew.

 

What a mess.

 

He stood at the back of the boat. The stern his mind filled in. It was called the stern. He stared at the water feeling drained of everything.

 

“You look very tired, Mr. Caleb.”

 

He startled just a little. The Firborg had moved quietly under the loud sounds of sailors and ship and ocean.

 

“It was a bad day,” he said quietly. Honestly. He owed Caduceus a little honestly at least.

 

“Yes,” Caduceus agreed. His voice didn’t rise out of it’s usual even roll, but it was emphatic nonetheless.

 

This is where you apologise, he pointed out to himself. In all the stories he read, all the people he knew. Everyone was always so good at saying the words that needed to be said at the right time. Caleb never had been great at it, even when he hadn’t been broken in pieces. Now it was too hard to pretend to be a person.

 

“This adventure keeps almost killing you,” Caleb said instead. It was a terrible thing to say. Caduceus only chuckled, it was wry, weaker than the sounds he made when he was content, but it held no sarcasm or malice.

 

“I need to be more careful.”

 

Or maybe someone should be watching your back. Nott had. Nott, the Brave. Nott, the Good. She had looked after their new Cleric. Why did she stay with him? Would she ask him about his choices?

 

“I don’t know anything about you,” Caleb said suddenly. Like a half confession, or an explanation, maybe even not to Caduceus but to Nott who was not there, and why would Caduceus know about his failure? He had been unconscious at the time and it had already worked out, he didn’t need to say this. “I know that you see everything, that you like tea and composting, and you have beetles in your staff, and that you are very kind, but I don’t--”

 

He felt a large firm hand on his back between his shoulder blades.

 

“Let’s just breathe,” Caduceus suggested. “I learned that one from Jester.”

 

They stood, breathing in and out slowly. Caduceus’ warm hand was still on his back. They stared at the neverending horizon of the ocean. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. In time with the waves.

 

Their long deep lungfuls unimpeded by water.

 

Say you’re sorry. He told himself again. At least pretend.

 

But he wasn’t sorry. And he wouldn’t pretend. He would have made the same choice again.

  
Himself first, Nott second, Jester, Beau, Fjord, Yasha, Mollymauk.

 

Mollymauk. He wasn’t on that list anymore, but maybe he was part of the reason why the others were so firmly etched in his heart now. He kept telling himself he could leave, but he wasn’t sure he could anymore.

 

He wasn’t sure if adding another name was wise. How could it be? He didn’t save Caduceus today, but maybe tomorrow he might spare him worse by keeping a distance.  

 

“I’m sorry I brought you here,” He finally said, because at least that was true. Pirates, monstrous serpents, the ocean. At least his small selfish little heart could apologise for that. Asking for help without returning the favour.

 

Caduceus tilted his head, thought about it.

 

His hand moved up to Caleb’s shoulder and gave it a firm comforting squeeze.

 

“Keep breathing, Mr. Caleb.”

 

Inside his heart crumpled knowing that next time he would think for Caduceus Clay as well.

  1. Myself
  2. Nott
  3. Jester
  4. Beauregard
  5. Fjord
  6. Yasha
  7. ~~Mollymauk~~



      7. Caduceus Clay

**Author's Note:**

> Despite how heart wrenching and nail-biting Caleb not casting feather fall on Caduceus was I thought it made a lot of sense character wise. Like out of game it was like GAH WHAT ARE YOU THINKING LIAM? In game though it was like... yeah that makes a lot of sense. This is sorta me unpacking that moment.


End file.
